


housing all this doubt

by ardett



Category: Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Abusive Relationships, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bad BDSM Etiquette, F/M, Gaslighting, Gen, Ignored Safeword, Misunderstandings, No Aftercare, Panic Attacks, Past Abuse, Physical Abuse, Subdrop, Subspace, Triggers, abuse is between ethan and his girlfriend, just so you know, no actual super explicit stuff, no unus annus, this like half abuse and half recovery
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-25
Updated: 2021-02-28
Packaged: 2021-03-16 07:55:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 2
Words: 11,163
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29697420
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ardett/pseuds/ardett
Summary: Ethan's girlfriend hits him. Mark catches the one time Ethan hits back.
Relationships: Ethan Nestor/Original Character(s), Kathryn Knutsen & Ethan Nestor, Mark Fischbach & Amy Nelson & Ethan Nestor, Mark Fischbach & Ethan Nestor, Mark Fischbach/Ethan Nestor
Comments: 43
Kudos: 213





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> what's up I'm back
> 
> catch me taking a three month long break after unus annus ended
> 
> I've been writing this on and off for a couple months. this is exactly the kind of fic I write to relieve my stress (which I know isn't everyone's cup of tea) and that's also why this is like 60% just the bad relationship stuff, sorry about that. I'm gonna have one more fic because I don't want to end on this just super indulgent angst fic but loves, I think I might be moving on
> 
> title from Be My Escape by Relient K

Ethan starts seeing Jessica in December. It just sort of… happens. It’s not the best time with the holidays as he packs his bags for Maine, ready to ditch the LA warmth for at least a little, but none of that stops him from looking into her eyes two days before he leaves and falling into her clear blue gaze and pulling her into a gentle kiss. 

He remembers that moment, putting his drink down and gently taking hers. Asking her if this was okay. Feeling like his chest would burst with the desperate want to kiss her and yet being so afraid to take the next step. Then finally, finally leaning in.

The kiss was honestly fine, not the best he’s ever had, but the tension fissuring between them after weeks of dancing around each other almost broke him right there.

Ethan always thought they would end up together, or at least with each other. It couldn’t really be anything else. They didn’t meet through mutual friends or through their work or anything else that would have connected them. It was just one of those meetings of raw chance and opportunity, bumping into each other when there were no other tables at Ethan’s favorite coffee shop and hitting it off from there. They just talked the first time they met but the second time, Ethan got her number.

They texted and met up and it didn’t feel like friends, not just friends anyway. It felt like waiting until he finally wasn’t waiting anymore.

The night Ethan kisses Jessica, two days before he leaves the state, they hook up. Ethan remembers staring at the ceiling afterwards, arm around her shoulders, and feeling like he can breathe again. 

She leaves early the next morning and they don’t see each other again until Ethan gets back. The holidays are wonderful though and Ethan doesn’t dwell on Jessica much while he’s with his family. When he does, it’s not so much an ache of missing her as much as an excitement for what might happen when he returns.

Being with Jessica again is everything Ethan wants it to be. They hook up a few more times casually. They see some movies together and inevitably end up spending the night at each other’s apartments. Kathryn gets to know Jessica and Ethan meets Jessica’s roommate.

It’s the classic friends with benefits scenario until Jessica mentions how maybe, possibly, if Ethan’s open to it, they could make their arrangement more serious.

In February, they officially start dating. Ethan is surprised that things actually do feel different between them. More serious. More romantic. They hold hands on their dates now, even if they’re doing the same thing they were before. Ethan introduces her as his girlfriend instead of his friend. They flirt endlessly but this time with purpose.

Ethan likes her. He really does, in the budding way of something that feels like it gets better every time.

He loves being able to tell people exactly what they are. It wasn’t a secret before but it also wasn’t the sort of thing Ethan would just casually mention. Now there’s nothing to hide. And better even, people are happy for him. 

Mark and Amy are the first people he tells after Kathryn and he sees the way Mark’s eyes soften, the way Amy’s smile tilts up at the corners.

“Glad to hear you’re moving on, dude,” Mark says. “I know your last breakup took you out for a bit. I want you to be happy.” He pats Ethan’s shoulder. Ethan huffs a laugh even as he leans into Mark’s touch.

“Yeah, Jess is really cool. I just… I don’t know. I just like being with her. It’s always good.” Ethan looks to the floor as he feels his cheeks heating.

“Always good, huh?” Amy smirks. “Kathryn said you two are keeping her up at night.”

“Well—” Ethan stammers, the red in his face deepening. “It’s— Well that’s also a healthy part of a relationship, isn’t it?”

Mark steers the conversation back into a safer zone. “You have to introduce us soon. We’d love to meet her.”

“Of course, yeah. I want you to meet her too,” Ethan agrees. It’s still new though, the dating part, the this-is-my-girlfriend part, so he doesn’t entirely mean it. He’s still holding it close to his chest, like the real world might break the fragile thing they’ve made.

Ethan’s life is so unusual by most people’s standards. Playing video games and making videos for a job, sometimes it feels like every part of his life is for content. Mark and Amy, as much as he loves them, aren’t exactly a departure from that part of himself. What would Jessica, marketing major HR personnel Jessica, think of all of his friends?

It seems so simple with Mark and Amy. They’re so obviously in love and they’ve found all the ways they fit best together. They work together, live together. Their lives are so interwoven now that Ethan can’t even imagine what a breakup would look like.

Ethan’s mind wanders to Jessica again and how part of the reason his last relationship didn’t work out was because of his career and how they didn’t even start out planning to date. People are complicated, relationships are easy to mess up, but he’s determined to try and see this through. To protect it from all the mistakes he’s made before.

After he leaves Mark and Amy’s, he stops by Jessica’s house with flowers. She gushes, finding a vase to put them in, and well, he wasn’t planning to but Ethan spends the night.

-

If there’s one good thing Ethan can say about having Kathryn as a roommate, it’s that she never judges him. Not when she finds handcuffs and collars on the floor of the bathroom, not when Ethan has bruises around his wrists but he smiles when she asks about them, and not when Ethan asks her if he can have their place for a couple hours. She’ll just ask if he’s safe and leave it at that.

Ethan couldn’t be more grateful. He appreciates Kathryn checking in but he’s also sure she doesn’t want to know half the stuff he gets up to with his partners, if they’re willing. And boy, is Jessica willing.

It’s part of the reason they’re so compatible. Their preferences in the bedroom just… align. Not because they’re the same but exactly because they’re opposites.

Jessica likes to be in control and Ethan likes to give all his control away.

They’ve done a few intense scenes at both of their places but when Jessica’s roommate is away for the night, they take full advantage.

Ethan shows up at her doorstep at 8pm, fingers already twitching with nervous energy and eagerness. Jessica said she would have everything ready. All he has to do is knock.

Ethan raps on the door. “Jess? It’s me.”

The door swings open and he’s immediately taken in by the look in Jessica’s eyes, sultry and bright and commanding. “Come on in, baby. We got a long night ahead of us.”

Ethan’s already sinking.  _ Dropping.  _

Throughout the night, he just goes further and further down. He just wants to be good, to do what Jessica wants. Everything else is secondary to that. 

He barely notices the collar digging into his throat, the ropes burning his wrists red, the gag he’s had on for almost the whole night. He just wants to serve. 

And when he comes for the third time that night and Jessica tells him she wants him to be quiet, he really tries. But at this point, the pleasure has reached the point of pain and even behind the gag, he can’t quiet muffle his shriek as his eyes squeeze shut.

He struggles to gasp in a full breath but then Jessica’s hand is pressing against his throat and she orders, “Don’t struggle.”

And he doesn’t.

Everything goes hazier. He doesn’t even know if he’s been this deep before. He feels like he can barely remember his own name.

He feels a wet exhale against his throat, feels Jessica shudder against him. She must have finished herself off and Ethan almost wants to pout because he wanted to be the one to make her feel good, but the lack of air going to his lungs is more pressing. 

Her hand finally falls away and cold clean oxygen fills Ethan’s head. He loves her. He really wants to kiss her. 

He’s dimly aware of Jessica untying him and they must be done, though he doesn’t remember hearing her say it. 

The heat of the room seems to dissipate a bit. Suddenly, Ethan feels bone tired. His eyes flutter shut.

“Hey.” He feels a tap on his cheek. “Don’t fall asleep, okay? You still have to drive home.”

“Huh?” Ethan manages. His mouth feels dry. His jaw is sore. 

“You can shower if you want before you go,” Jessica says. Ethan blinks at her. She tugs him up to standing and he wobbles.

“Do you… want me to?” It’s the only words he can manage. 

He’s too deep to make any choices. He doesn’t even want to talk yet. What was a warm hazy feeling is starting to tilt towards dark sickness, like when he knows he’s taken just one shot too many. 

Jessica shrugs. “I mean, I’m tired. It would probably be more convenient if you cleaned up at home.”

Ethan nods, agreeing with her because that’s the only thing he remembers how to do. He wants what she wants.

But this doesn’t feel good. Not like he’s used to.

It’s fine. Jessica knows what she’s doing. They’ve been together like this before.

He’s just never been this deep before.

But he doesn’t want to question her. He just wants to be good for her. What did she want him to do?

Oh, right. Leave.

Ethan tugs on his clothes. He feels them sticking to his skin and he knows somewhere in his head that they’re getting dirty. He’ll clean up at home. That’s what Jessica said, right?

Jessica leads him to the front door, waves at him as he walks to his car. Then she closes the door.

Ethan gets in his car. It’s so quiet. And dark. Lonely. Empty.

He doesn’t even remember how he got home but here he is. He thinks there’s a new scratch on his car when he steps out of it.

There was a branch somewhere in the road, he thinks. He should have drove around it. What road was it again? It doesn’t matter. 

Ethan stumbles out of his car. He has to take a shower. At home. Like she said. And then Jessica will tell him that he’s been good.

She’ll help bring him back up.

After he showers.

He fumbles with the lock to his apartment, trying to turn the knob before he realizes he doesn’t have his keys. Where are they? He doesn’t know. He— He needs to—

It’s been so long since he’s seen Jessica. She’s waiting for him to finish the task she asked of him. It doesn’t feel good anymore. It just feels like Ethan’s so deep, so deep and lost, so deep and lost and he doesn’t know how to find his way up again.

He doesn’t know how to get inside. He can’t do it. His safeword is on the edge of his lips but Jessica’s not here, she won’t even hear him say it. She—

“Ethan? Why are you ringing the doorbell so much?” Kathryn asks as she opens the door. She rubs at her eyes. “It’s really late. I thought you were staying at Jessica’s tonight.” Her gaze locks on his throat. “Wha—”

“S-shower,” Ethan stutters. His breaths are speeding up, tilting into hyperventilating. 

“I— Okay?” Kathryn steps aside and Ethan bolts past her.

Everything’s a blur as he gets to the shower  _ finally  _ and turns on the water. It’s freezing cold when he gets in but that’s fine. It’s going to be fine. He knows how it goes, a little pain, a little punishment, for pleasure and praise at the end.

He takes the fastest shower possible while still getting clean. He doesn’t want Jessica to be mad that he isn’t clean enough. And the water starts warming up towards the end anyway, so it’s fine. Because he was good. He feels better now that he was good.

Ethan slips on a clean pair of boxers and a t-shirt and then runs back down the stairs where… only Kathryn is waiting for him.

Where’s Jessica?

“Ethan?” Kathryn whispers. Ethan ignores her, looking around the room.

Where is she? She’s not… She’s not…

Of course she’s not here. He left her at her house. What was he thinking? That he deserved praise for what? Taking a shower? Of course he doesn’t.

He’s so stupid. So dumb.

He just… He thought that if he did everything she asked, she would be here to comfort him afterwards. To tell him he did a good job. Did he do something wrong tonight? Is that why she sent him away?

It must be. He thought he was going to spend the night. He’s not good. He doesn’t deserve anything.

He’s too deep to pull himself back up. He’s dropped too far.

He doesn’t know how to get out without her. 

He’s vaguely aware that he might be crying. He thinks he’s on his knees now.

Kathryn in front of him, murmuring something. He only catches the end of it as he tries to pay attention. “—and why are you still wearing this?”

He feels hands at his throat again and he cringes.

_ Be good. _

He freezes. What did he do wrong tonight? What if Jessica doesn’t love him anymore? What did she ask him to do?

He can do it. He can. He can prove it to her. 

_ Be quiet. Shut up. Don’t struggle. _

He swallows a whimper as Kathryn does something and there’s pressure on his windpipe.

_ Be quiet. Shut up. Don’t struggle. _

_ Be good. _

He can be good. Is he supposed to be good for Kathryn? He doesn’t remember.

The force on his throat disappears. Something clinks on the floor. Ethan glances down. 

His collar.

He had been wearing it this whole time.

As it falls off him, the world sharpens just a bit.

He sways and Kathryn’s right there, steadying him. He tries to say something but he can’t remember the right words. And Jessica didn’t tell him he could speak yet. 

Kathryn just holds him close, rubbing circles against his back. He buries his face in her shirt. 

“You’re okay,” she whispers over and over again. “You’re okay.” And it’s not  _ you’re good  _ but it’s close enough. The skin to skin contact feels nice. He wasn’t allowed to touch Jessica all night. Except with his mouth.

The thought brings on another bout of tears. Ethan wishes she were here. He wishes it was her holding him now. This was for her.

He slips deeper again and the fear of never coming up pushes him further. His hands tighten on Kathryn’s sweater. 

He needs Jessica. He needs her.

Why isn’t she here?

Because he’s bad. Maybe it’s better if he stays this way. People hate it when he talks. He could just follow orders and never talk again. Would that make him good?

He doesn’t want that though.

He likes being able to talk. To do things with his friends. To make videos.

He has to come back up.

Ethan takes a deep breath. He concentrates on Kathryn’s soft voice, the smooth shapes she’s tracing on his back. The floor is hard on his knees. His wet hair is dripping water down the curve of his spine.

It’s cold in here. He might be shivering.

The haziness starts to fall away. He feels the rope burn on his wrists, the bruises on his hips. The pain is too sharp to feel like pleasure.

He’s coming up.

“You’re gonna be okay,” Kathryn says. Ethan swallows and nods. Kathryn’s hands pause.

Ethan takes that que to stand, shuddering as he feels Kathryn draw away. He needs to go to bed. He can sleep it off.

“Ethan?” Kathryn calls after him as he starts slowly up the stairs. “Are you… Do you want to talk about it?”

Ethan turns halfway to her. He usually does want to talk. But he’s still too deep for words. He can’t even feel a rasp in his throat.

He just shakes his head and then keeps walking away.

He falls into his bed. The sheets are cold and empty.

It’s fine. He’ll feel better in the morning.

He curls up into a ball and pretends that maybe this was all a mistake and Jessica still loves him. He doesn’t fall asleep until Spencer joins him in bed an hour later. And even then, he doesn’t rest easy.

-

Ethan wakes up feeling like he has the worst hangover of his life. The haziness in his head has mutated into a pounding headache and he’s struck with the vague feeling of wanting to throw up but knowing there’s nothing in his stomach.

He’s on the other side of it now though. That’s the important part.

He’s gone into subspace before but never that deep before, never that long. He’s never been left, dropped like that, without aftercare. He’s never been so nonverbal, so unable to articulate his needs. Jessica must not have realized how far dropped he was when she asked him to leave.

But what if she did? What if she just didn’t want to deal with him afterwards?

Ethan knows that’s the lingering subdrop talking but he can’t shake the nervous, ashamed feeling in his gut. It’s the kind of thing that happens without aftercare, the self-doubt and spiraling and shaking.

He should text her. They can work this out together.

Ethan gropes blindly for his phone on his bedside table but doesn’t feel it there. He squints against the light, jostling Spencer as he leans up to look for it. 

His phone isn’t there. Where did he leave it? Downstairs?

The night comes back to him in pieces. The time he spent with Jessica comes back first, then the blurry drive home. He sobbed into Kathryn’s arms, didn’t he? Fuck.

He slides out of bed, groaning as he presses a hand to his head. He glimpses the skin of his wrist. All the raw red has turned to purple and yellow bruises.

He slips down the stairs. He doesn’t want to wake up Kathryn. What time is it again?

He glances out a window. It’s almost dark out.

The lights are already on when he gets downstairs. The kitchen clock reads 4:30pm. He slept almost the whole day.

His eyes slide from the clock to the kitchen table. His collar is sitting there, black leather stark against the wood.

Ethan swallows, fingertips brushing over the hollow of his throat. He turns away.

He spends ten minutes looking for his phone inside before venturing out to his car. There it is, resting in the cup holder. As he grabs it, something jingles. He reaches further and finds his house keys. 

He remembers ringing the doorbell over and over again, desperate to get inside last night. His keys were in his car the whole time.

Ethan clicks his phone on. The battery is almost dead. He doesn’t have any new messages.

Jessica never texted him.

Ethan slumps into the driver’s seat of his car, door still open. 

Should he still text her now? She’s clearly not worried about him. What would he even say? That he just woke up and that he should have said something last night but he didn’t and that he forgot that he wasn’t going to spend the night and that he needed to wake up next to her this morning?

Ethan knows that relationships are built on good communication. He didn’t tell Jessica what he was feeling last night. How could she have known? That’s hardly fair to her.

Ethan stares at her contact picture before his phone suddenly dies. His reflection matches his gaze on the black screen. The decision is taken out of his hands now. Ethan can’t help but feel relieved.

If he’s still feeling this way in a couple days, he’ll text her. Their relationship is new, new and fragile. He doesn’t want to ruin things already.

-

“Ethan, are you… alright?” Kathryn asks over dinner. “You seemed kind of freaked out yesterday.”

“Yeah, I mean, I’m fine now.” And it’s mostly the truth. He’s feeling a lot better, a lot more stable. His phone is still charging anyway so it’s not like he can text Jessica yet.

“Did something happen between you and Jessica? You came back from her place and—”

“Kathryn, I just… I don’t want to talk about this right now. I’m sorry.” Ethan bites his lip, looking down at the table. “We just didn’t talk things through last night and some things got messed up but I still want to be with her. As long as… as long as she still wants to be with me.” 

Ethan’s mortified to feel his eyes start tearing up at the thought of breaking up. Is he such a screwup that he can’t even keep a relationship together for a couple months?

“Okay, okay, I’m sorry.” Kathryn gives him a small smile. “Just… If you ever want to talk about anything, you know I’m here.”

-

For two weeks, things are good again. Ethan doesn’t bring up his breakdown the next time he sees Jessica and she doesn’t mention anything either. 

It’s in the past now. Ethan doesn’t have to dwell on it anymore.

That is until they do another scene together. Ethan feels himself dropping, just a little, and he panics.

“Red, red,” he blurts out.

Jessica stares at him. “Are you using your safeword?” she questions, raising an eyebrow. “We just got started. We haven’t even done anything yet.”

She’s right, is the thing. Ethan’s wrists are cuffed behind his back but that’s as far they’ve gotten. Jessica hasn’t even touched him yet, not really.

“I just—” Ethan’s breath stutters in his lungs. “Sorry,” he apologizes because he thinks it’s the right thing to do. His gaze fixes on the floor, ashamed. “I’m… I’m nervous.”

“Well… okay…” Jessica pauses. Her hand tightens on the key to the cuffs. “Nervous like you have to use your safeword? Or you’re just nervous?” 

Ethan doesn’t think she sounds accusatory. Or… is she annoyed? Ethan can’t be sure. Sometimes he gets in his head about these things when they’re really not a big deal. 

“Um, no yeah, I can keep going.” Ethan feels a bit sick but the feeling is overwhelmed by the desire to please. 

Jessica’s tone is the one she uses in the bedroom, dominant and commanding, and Ethan is used to obeying. It certainly didn’t do anything to take him out of subspace. As he drops further, he feels the ability to pull himself up slipping away.

It doesn’t feel as good as it should. It feels… tainted. Darker. The usual warmth of the scene feels like oppressive heat.

His safeword sticks in his throat now after being shot down the first time.

He doesn’t say it again.

-

There’s more aftercare this time. Ethan’s so grateful that Jessica is willing to spend the extra time with him, especially after a long day.

She helps him relax in a short bath, brings him juice and snacks, and then they curl up in bed together. The lights are still on. Something that neither of them need to pay attention to is droning on the TV in the background. Jessica is stroking his hair. 

And Ethan doesn’t mean to — he really doesn’t, he doesn’t want to ruin the moment — but he starts sobbing into her shoulder. Fully sobbing, heaving breaths and clogged nose and watery eyes sobbing.

“Ethan, what—” Jessica pushes him up so she can get a look at his face. “What happened?”

He’s fully out of subspace now and what was okay before suddenly isn’t anymore. He’s thinking more clearly now. It makes everything hurt worse.

“We—” Ethan gasps, trying to catch his breath past his hiccuping sobs. “We can’t do that again.”

“What?” Jessica’s not touching him at all anymore. Ethan tries not to reach for her.

“We— We can’t— You didn’t listen to my safeword.” Ethan wipes at his eyes. He tastes salt. “We— We shouldn’t have kept going. I wasn’t… I wasn’t ready.” 

That’s not all it was. He was scared, he was distressed, he dropped too hard and too fast and it wasn’t fun or sexy or cute. She didn’t listen to him and even while he shoves his feelings of betrayal to the side, he knows that can’t happen again.

“Why didn’t you just say something?” Jessica asks, eyes wide.

“I  _ did _ ,” Ethan insists. The sobs are calmed down but he’s still dripping tears, salt water steadily sliding down his cheeks. “I… I used my safeword.”

“But then you said it was okay! I asked you if you still needed it.” Jessica’s hands wrinkle the bed sheets.

“I— I know but—”

“You said to keep going when I asked you—”

“I know but I was already dropping and I didn’t want to disappoint you.” He doesn’t want to argue. He just wants her to understand. “You know how I get when… when we’re… Couldn’t you tell I was still nervous? That I wasn’t as into it as much?” Ethan sniffles. His throat feels thick.

“I can’t read your mind, Ethan.” Ethan looks down but his gaze snaps back up at her next words. “You know, it scares me when you get angry like this.”

“What?”

“I’m just saying,” Jessica murmurs, crossing her arms defensively in front of her body. “I don’t like to be around people who are angry.”

Ethan blinks at her. “But I’m… I’m not angry.” And he’s not. He’s… He’s devastated. 

“But you are,” Jessica cries and Ethan is horrified to see that her eyes are becoming glassy. He’s making his girlfriend cry. “You— You’re angry at me.”

“I’m sorry. Hey, hey, don’t cry. Can I…?” Ethan opens his arms to her and Jessica lets him embrace her. He rubs a circle into her back. “I’m sorry, okay? I didn’t— I didn’t mean to scare you. We don’t have to talk about it right now. I’m sorry.”

Jessica nods and whimpers into his chest. Ethan swallows and consoles her, knowing he’s not going to bring it up again.

-

Jessica calls him stupid and dumb even though he’s told her it bothers him. It reminds him of all the times he felt like he wouldn’t amount to anything. 

Those times in school, staring at papers full of red scratches, those times at work when he’d sleep 3 hours a night just to get a video out to a few hundred people. It makes him feel inadequate. Like he isn’t enough.

But things have been a little tense between them. He doesn’t want to be defensive or angry. She said he scared her.

So Ethan doesn’t bring this up either.

Other people don’t know that though.

The most awkward instance is when Ethan stumbles on a word on a double date with Mark and Amy, and Jessica chuckles, “Oh my gosh, he’s so dumb, isn’t he?”

Mark laughs along, though it’s not his full-bodied cackle. Amy does too but she throws Ethan a glance. Ethan gives her an uneasy smile back, hands curling into fists on the table.

“Sorry,” Ethan mumbles. 

The apology is what finally makes Mark pay attention to him. Mark gives him a weird look. 

Ethan would usually make another joke at his own expense or even defend himself, but it’s different with Jessica. A lot of things are different. He doesn’t want to ruin things. He doesn’t want to hurt her.

Besides, he knows it’s true. He knows he’s not as smart as Jessica or Mark or Amy. He just thought that maybe that didn’t matter as much. And Jessica isn’t exactly saying it does matter to her, but he still wishes she would stop bringing it up.

“Hey, did she… Did that bother you? That Jessica said that?” Amy asks while Jessica is in the bathroom.

“Huh? I mean… no?” Ethan fiddles with the hem of his shirt. “Mark says stuff like that all the time so… Yeah, it didn’t— it didn’t bother me.”

“Are you—” Mark starts but then Jessica comes out of the bathroom. Ethan bites his lip with a small shake of his head.

Dinner drags on but at least Jessica doesn’t call him dumb again.

-

The frustration of it all builds inside him. All the words he’s holding back bundle in his chest until sometimes he feels like he could burst with it.

He knows there’s something wrong. He shouldn’t feel like this with someone he’s in a relationship with. But he can’t let her go either.

They could still work through this, couldn’t they?

He can’t just give up on her.

The pressure inside him is starting to ache though. It’s starting to hurt.

Almost as much as the first slap hurts.

-

It doesn’t hurt so much as sting, and it doesn’t sting so much as surprise him, that heart-palpitating lightning-shock kind of surprise.

He’s dropped again and he’s starting to hate it down here. What used to feel safe feels cold and dark. He doesn’t even know if he wants Jessica to keep touching him, especially like this.

And then she… she… she hits him. Slaps him across the face.

His head whips to the side and for a second he just stares at the wall, the shock of it not quite sinking in.

Did she really just hit him?

Had they ever talked about that before? Hitting is sometimes a part of scenes like this, he gets that, but this wasn’t something they agreed to beforehand. He didn’t… He doesn’t remember wanting her to hit him.

That… That’s not okay. She can’t do that. This is it, this is the line crossed too far.

Unless he deserved it?

Did he say something? Do something? Talk back?

No. No, no, this isn’t okay. He didn’t agree to this. They didn’t discuss hitting as a part of this, so it’s not okay that she did it.

Maybe Jessica intended to push Ethan further down but the slap brings him up immediately.

The little fuzziness and warmth he had been feeling is gone. He’s already reaching up to take off his blindfold. (Thank god his hands aren’t tied or cuffed, fuck—)

“What are you doing?” Jessica asks. Her hand is resting on a paddle. Was that next?

“You can’t do that,” Ethan says. He shakily gets to his feet. He’s still in his boxers but he grabs his pants and tugs them on.

“What?”

“I don’t know if— Like, I know sometimes people do that during scenes like this but we didn’t talk about this. You can’t just hit me without telling me. That’s not—”  _ That’s not okay.  _ “That’s not fun. For me. I— I don’t wanna be surprised like that.”

Jessica’s face twists, maybe in remorse. “I just thought it would be something different. Make the feeling more intense,” she explains. “Come on, Ethan. You don’t have to go.”

“Sorry, I’m just— I’m just not in the mood anymore.” Ethan pulls on his shirt. It feels like the room is shrinking down around him. He just wants to leave now. “Sorry, I— Sorry. I’m not mad. I’ll see you soon, okay? I'm just gonna go home for now. I’m… Bye.”

“Eth—” 

But he’s already grabbing his keys and practically fleeing out the door. 

He hardly thinks the whole ride home.

She didn’t mean to hurt him. He knows that.

He knows that. 

Right?

-

When Ethan gets home, he doesn’t greet Kathryn or even pat Spencer hello. He goes straight to the bathroom, locking the door behind him.

He looks at himself in the mirror. The circles under his eyes are dark. His cheek is a little red but that could just as easily be from embarrassment or exertion.

He gently presses his fingers against his cheekbone.

It doesn’t hurt anymore. It won’t even bruise where Jessica hit him.

He just… He can’t believe she actually hit him. 

Maybe for a scene, maybe in the heat of the moment, but nothing is more important than consent in a relationship like theirs. She should have checked in with him. She should have asked before doing that.

Ethan meets his own eyes in his reflection, wide and skittish and hurt.

(This can’t happen again but) this has never happened before.

(But hasn’t it?)

She’s kicked him out while he was still deep in subspace. She ignored his safeword. She didn’t listen to him when he brought up his insecurities. And now she slapped him.

He told Jessica that he wasn’t mad but in a way, he is. He’s mad he’s letting himself be treated like this, that Jessica’s putting him in this situation, that he hasn’t been able to say anything about it until now.

It can’t go on like this.

-

Mark:  _ Do you want to film something tomorrow? _

Ethan scans the text as he’s getting ready for bed. Maybe this will help take his mind off things. It’s been a while since he’s gotten to see Mark anyway

Ethan:  _ sure, come over to my place? _

Mark:  _ I’ll come by around 12. see you soon _

Ethan’s about to turn off his phone when he sees a message from Jessica pop up.

Jessica:  _ Are you still mad? _

Jessica:  _ I’m sorry if you were uncomfortable but we should talk about it _

Jessica:  _ running away is really immature  _

Jessica:  _ so is ignoring me _

Ethan silences his phone and throws it on his bedside table. He doesn’t look at it again that night.

-

Ethan’s eating breakfast when he hears a knock on the door. Kathryn’s already gone for the day so he runs over to get it. 

Mark must be early. It’s still before noon.

He fiddles with the lock for a second before getting the door open. He looks up and—

“Jessica? What are you doing here?”

Ethan tenses as she pushes her way past him. “I came to talk. Why did you leave last night?”

“I mean… You know why.” Ethan follows her into the kitchen. “I just needed some time alone.” He crosses his arms in front of himself as she whirls on him.

“Time alone? We were supposed to spend the night together! You just left me there. And you weren’t answering any of my texts—”

“Jess—”

“I can’t believe you! What do you even—”

Ethan’s fingers dig into his arms. “Jessica—”

“And you didn’t even try to call me this morning. I had to come all the way over here—”

“I know we should break up.” Ethan’s words bring her to a dead stop.

“What?”

Ethan grits his teeth. He can feel self inflicted bruises forming. “I said I think we should break up. This isn’t healthy for us. You’re ignoring what I want and I’m obviously not giving you what you need so why drag it out? We should just end it.”

He wasn’t planning on doing this but now that he’s brought it up, he feels like a vice is easing off his chest. He knows this is the right choice. This will be better for both of them.

Jessica’s eyes narrow.

“You’re breaking up with me? Are you serious right now?” She’s getting louder. Ethan stands up straighter, arms falling back to his sides.

“Jess, calm down, okay? Just think about it, we’re not—”

She screams, “How dare you! You don’t even know what you’re giving up. What, do you think you can do better than me?”

“I just don’t want to be with you anymore, Jessica!” Ethan yells.

This time Ethan sees it coming but he’s still not fast enough to stop it.

Jessica slaps him, hard enough that he takes a step back, hard enough that he feels the heat of it before the sting. Same place as last time.

Somehow he’s both surprised and not surprised at all that she hit him again. Red flags, right? It’s almost always a pattern.

“Get out,” Ethan breathes.

“What?” Jessica stares at him. 

“I said get the fuck out of my house!” Ethan sees red. He can’t believe he let this happen. He can’t believe he ever thought he loved her. “I never want to see your fucking face again!”

“Ethan, come on—” 

She takes a step towards him and Ethan just… reacts.

He shoves her backwards  _ hard. _

Jessica stumbles back into the cabinets. Her head collides with a handle and Ethan winces at the bang. She cries out in pain.

Guilts immediately sweeps through Ethan.

“Jess, Jess, I’m sorry, are you—”

“What the hell is going on here?” a low voice says.

Ethan and Jessica see Mark at the same time. The other man is still standing in the doorway, clearly having just arrived. And Mark looks furious.

“Mark, it’s not—” Ethan starts.

Jessica’s high pitched voice drowns out his own as she keens, “He just shoved me into the wall! He’s— he’s— he’s trying to hurt me. Thank god you got here.”

And then she bursts into tears.

Ethan stares at her in shock.

He doesn’t move as Mark swoops in to help Jessica to her feet, absurdly gentle with her. She whimpers as she touches a hand to the back of her head.

“Are you alright?” Mark asks.

Jessica sniffles. “Y-yeah, I think so. Thank you.”

“Of course. Let me help you to your car, okay? Do you think you’ll be able to get home safe?” Mark keeps a supporting arm around her waist. He hasn’t even looked at Ethan yet.

Ethan knows how this looks. It looks bad. And isn’t it? He lashed out,  _ physically  _ lashed out. It was like all his fear and stress and frustration and anger took hold of him at once.

He didn’t mean to shove her as hard as he did. He just didn’t want her to hit him again. He just wanted her to leave.

“Mark—” Ethan tries to explain.

“Don’t,” Mark snarls, finally rounding on Ethan. His eyes are bitter and cold. “I can’t believe you. I can’t believe I trusted. Has this happened before? Have you done this with your other girlfriends?”

“What? No!” Ethan tries to say but Mark won’t hear it.

“After all the times we’ve talked about this. All the times you said you could never understand how people hit their partners and I walk in on you shoving Jessica while you’re shouting at her.” Mark’s gaze turns hurt and Ethan’s heart fractures. “I thought you understood. When I told you about what my last girlfriend did to me? I thought you understood how much that hurt me and now… I don’t even want to look at you. You’re just like her.”

Mark scowls and turns away. Ethan doesn’t try to stop him again. He just watches them leave and realizes he lost more today than he ever has before.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> next chapter in a couple days


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> god recovery is so hard for me to write

When Kathryn comes home, she finds Ethan slumped in the kitchen. He hasn’t moved from his spot, only let his knees buckle and his body sink to the floor.

“Ethan?” Kathryn crouches down to his level, putting a hand on his knee.

Ethan shakes his head. His eyes burn. “I really fucked up. I fucked up so bad, Kathryn.”

“What happened?” she whispers.

“I…” Ethan struggles to breath. He buries his face in his hands.

How could he do this? He’s never lashed out like that, ever. He’s never even wanted to. It’s like he doesn’t recognize himself.

What if this is what he’s always been? What if he’s only been lying to himself?

Jessica said he was an angry person. What if she’s right?

The two of them sit in silence. Kathryn doesn’t say anything, only keeps a warm hand on him as he catches his breath. Her thumb traces over the bone of his knee.

“I reminded him of his girlfriend,” Ethan finally says.

Kathryn’s thumb pauses. “What?”

“I… Mark said I reminded him of his girlfriend. His ex-girlfriend. The one who…” Ethan swallows so hard it aches. “The one who hurt him.”

“Why would he say that?” Kathryn asks, stunned.

“Because I…” Ethan bites at the inside of his cheek. “Because I shoved Jessica.”

“Ethan…”

“I know!” Ethan cries, squeezing his eyes shut. “I know, okay? I shouldn’t have done that and now Mark… he…”

Kathryn doesn’t recoil. She doesn’t leave him behind. She just nods and hums, “I mean, yeah probably not but why did you do it?” She tugs gently at his wrist. “Come on, why don’t we sit on the couch? It’s not good to have conversations like this on the kitchen floor.”

After a couple more insistent tugs, Ethan struggles to his feet, letting Kathryn lead him to the living room. They sit down and Ethan can’t help bringing his knees up to his chest, not quite making eye contact yet. Kathryn gives him space.

“Kathryn…” Ethan winces at the way his voice cracks. “I don’t think you understand. It was my fault, okay?”

“Actually, I think I might be the only person who understands. You’ve come back from her place really messed up. The last couple of times you got home and you didn’t even… You weren’t okay.”

The pressure tightens on Ethan’s chest. His nails dig into his knee and then release. He glances at Kathryn.

“What do you mean?”

“I don’t know, Ethan, what do I mean?” Kathryn’s eyes bore into him. Ethan feels like he’s being flayed open. “How many times have I had to console you after you come back from your date crying?”

Ethan shakes his head instead of answering. He rasps, “But that doesn’t excuse what I did.”

“But the reason is still important.” Kathryn puts a hesitant hand on Ethan’s back and when he doesn’t shrug it off, she traces soothing circles there.

“Not to Mark,” Ethan contends.

“But he doesn’t know—”

“I think I just want to be alone for now,” Ethan cuts her off. 

He stands up. He pauses as if he might say something else but he doesn’t. He just walks away.

-

Ethan dreams of the feeling of pushing, of something (someone) falling away under his fingertips, of a crash. Sometimes he hears her scream.

Sometimes it’s his own voice pleading for help.

He’s drowning and there’s water in his mouth that’s turning to blood, blood dripping down the back of his throat after his canine cuts into his cheek, cuts into his cheek as he was slapped to the side, god he can’t breathe.

He can’t breathe.

He can’t— And there’s so many people staring at him, watching him drown, Amy and Mark and Kathryn and Jessica. This is his fault. They’ll never forgive him.

But… what if he doesn’t want to be forgiven?

He’s so sick of feeling unsafe with his own girlfriend. He’s sick of feeling guilty and distraught. How many times does he need to come back from her place devastated before it reaches a breaking point?

What does he want? Does he want Jessica to forgive him? Does he want her to take him back?

Does he want to go back to her?

His breaths start to come faster. He thinks of collars and darkness and the sting of a hand hitting his cheek and being left alone after showing his most vulnerable side. At some point, things weren’t better when they were together. They were worse.

He doesn’t want to be with Jessica anymore. 

That’s it.

It’s the first time he’s really come to terms with it. Even though he said they were over before, he almost didn’t mean it. It was so sudden and part of him still believed that maybe they would end up together again, maybe they could work through this. But he doesn’t want to work through this anymore. He just wants this chapter of his life to be over. He wants to move on.

That’s not the whole problem though.

He can stand to lose Jessica. He can’t lose Mark.

He can’t.

-

He talks to Kathryn about it the next morning. 

“So, um,” He rubs at his knuckles, feeling the dry cracked skin there. “So I think maybe you were right. I think maybe…” He drops his gaze to the floor and his voice drops to a whisper with it. “I think Jessica wasn’t good for me. I shouldn’t have pushed her, I know that. But I was scared and… It’s definitely over between us.”

Kathryn smiles and pulls him into a hug. “I’m proud of you, you know that? This isn’t easy.”

Ethan buries his face in her shoulder and lets himself breathe for a moment. At least he’ll always have Kathryn.

“What about Mark though?” he whispers into her hoodie. “I think he hates me.”

“He doesn’t hate you.” Kathryn traces circles on the back of his t-shirt. “He just doesn’t understand. He doesn’t know the full story.”

“What should I do?” Ethan pulls back. 

“Maybe try to call him?” Kathryn suggests. “I don’t think he would ignore you. He’s known you too long. He would at least give you the chance to explain yourself.”

Ethan nods but it’s not confident. 

Kathryn pats his shoulder. “Just try, okay?” she says. 

“Okay, yeah. I’ll call him later,” Ethan finally agrees.

He spends the rest of the day doing anything but thinking about calling Mark. He cooks lunch and then decides to cook dinner for later. He vacuums the living room. He finally cleans up the clutter in his streaming room.

Finally there’s nothing left but the one thing he’s been avoiding.

Ethan taps his phone against his knee, looking out the window. He just has to do this. It’ll be fine. Even if they argue, it will be better than sitting here and worrying and worrying and worrying and—

He has to call him.

Hands shaking, Ethan turns his phone on and finds Mark’s number. The dial tone is louder than a siren.

And then the silence is deafening. 

“H-Hello?” Ethan starts hesitantly when he doesn’t hear anything from the other end.

“Hi.” The word is sharp and biting but relief still floods through Ethan from heart to fingertips. He didn’t know how badly he wanted to hear Mark’s voice. “Why did you call me?”

“I just want to talk about… about everything that happened. I want to explain.” Ethan’s fingers tighten on his phone. 

“I don’t want to hear it.”

“Mark, please,” Ethan begs. “Can’t I just come over and explain myself? It’s not— There’s more to the story than what you saw. It’s hard to talk about over the phone. I just want to see your face,” he whispers at the end.

“No.” The word spears through Ethan’s heart.

“What?”

“No, you can’t come here.”

“Why?”

“Because Jessica is here.”

Ethan tastes blood again, leaking from the cut in his cheek.

“She’s…. What…. She’s still with you?” Ethan’s voice is stripped of emotion. 

“Yes, she’s still here.” Ethan flinches at the anger suddenly in Mark’s words. “She’s here because she doesn’t feel safe going home when you know where she lives. She’s fucking terrified to see you.”

“I—”

“Don’t call me again.”

The dial tone rings in Ethan’s ears after Mark hangs up.

Ethan is vaguely aware of tears dripping down his face, a tightness in his throat. It’s like clastrophia, the feeling of being closed in on all sides, but there’s nothing there.

He knows Mark is hurt. He knows this might be more about Mark’s past than the present. Mark’s bad relationship still stings, he knows it, they’ve talked about it.

He remembers nights when he should have already gone home, light filtering in from another room, crickets outside, and Mark whispering how her ghost still haunts him.

Ethan feels haunted too but his ghost is still around.

It’s not that he’s worried Jessica will hurt Mark. After all, it took months for Jessica to actually physically raise a hand against him. But what she does best is convince, to make things seem like they’re not important when they are.

He’s not worried about what Jessica will do. He’s worried about what she’ll say. She could convince Mark that Ethan was never the person he thought he was and Mark might be hurt enough to believe her. And Ethan doesn’t know how to fight against that, not while Mark still doesn’t want to talk with him.

Is this what giving up feels like? 

He doesn’t want to but… maybe this is it for them. Some things can’t be forgiven.

No, he’s not giving up. He’s not. But Mark needs time. He has to give Mark time.

So Ethan puts his phone down and doesn’t call again.

-

Three days later, he gets a call from Amy. He stares at his phone for a long moment before finally picking up. 

Words escape him.

“Ethan?” Amy starts the conversation. “How are you?”

Ethan’s heart twinges at the question, genuine and non-accusing. He almost forgot that Amy doesn’t carry the same past as Mark. She, of all people, might be someone willing to give him a second chance.

“I’ve been better,” Ethan understates.

“Yeah, I figured.” Ethan can’t see her face but he imagines a soft and sad smile.

“Did… I assume Mark told you…” he tries to ask.

“He mentioned you weren’t talking. He’s… He’s really hurt, Ethan. It’s as much him as you. I know he hasn’t given you a chance to explain.”

“Does he hate me?” Ethan doesn’t mean it to slip out but he can’t take it back.

“No, no.” She sounds sure, more sure than Ethan thought she would be. “He doesn’t hate you. He’s just trying to figure it out right now. I think— I know he misses you. It’s been… complicated. Jessica just left today.”

Ethan’s breath catches at her name.

“Yeah?” he manages, voice cracking.

“Yeah.” Amy pauses, gearing up for something. Ethan stays quiet. “She… She said a lot of things while she was here, Ethan. She said this kind of thing has been happening for a while. She said you push her around. That you’re controlling.”

Ethan opens his mouth and then closes it. His only defense is that it’s not true. He can’t prove it to Amy. He can’t prove it to anyone. He bites the inside of his cheek hard enough to taste blood.

At least it’s self-inflicted this time.

“Here’s the thing though.” Amy is still going. It doesn’t sound like she’s looking for a response so much as thinking out loud. “That doesn’t sound like you. I know that, and so does Mark. Really. 

“And she was saying things like how you wouldn’t let her go places and always wanted her to be at your place but Kathryn told me that you started spending nights at her apartment so you wouldn’t keep her awake at night. 

“She was saying you hit her but I feel like I’ve seen bruises on your neck while you’re streaming—” Ethan touches two fingertips to the base of his neck as she says that, thinking of the way a collar tugs against the skin there. “—and I know that’s something you like sometimes but it seems weird to me that… I don’t know, that you would let her do that and also…”

Amy sighs. Her next words come out as rasps. “It’s complicated, right? Because I don’t want to be the person who doesn’t believe the victim but I know you. I’ve known you for years. And now I’m curious why we only ever went on that one double date.”

Ethan answers the easiest question first. “It was just never the right time.”

“Yeah?”

She wants more than that, Ethan can tell by her flat tone. “It’s just… things were good. And then they weren’t. I was waiting for things to be good again before we all got together. But they just got worse and— and now we’re here.”

“Worse how?”

“Amy…” Ethan’s grip tightens on his phone.

“Ethan, you have to tell me. You have to explain to me why this happened or…. I want to be on your side, really I do, but you have to give me something. Because all I’ve heard so far is that Mark saw you push her and that you’ve been hitting her for months.” Amy’s voice is pleading, desperate even, but firm. 

“That’s not true. Amy, tell me you don’t believe that.”

“If you don’t want me to believe it, tell me the truth instead.”

Ethan doesn’t know what’s holding him back. This is what he wanted, for someone to hear him out. Amy could talk to Mark. Mark would listen to her.

What if it’s not enough though?

What if he explains everything and she tells him to pull himself together, that it wasn’t that bad and why couldn’t he just stay with his beautiful girlfriend and why did he have to ruin this for everyone and why did he have to hurt Mark again? He’s terrified that he's just going to lose her too.

“Ethan?”

“I…” Ethan swallows blood. “Okay, I can— Please don’t leave. It’s just— It’s hard.”

Amy’s voice softens. “You can take your time.”

“Okay. Okay.” Ethan curls himself into a corner of the couch. “So, um, me and Jess— Jess and I, we started dating. And it was good. We’ve always had a very, um,” Ethan coughs. “kind of a sexual relationship. An intense one. And, I don’t know, I guess this isn’t actually that big of a deal, but she’s not really that into aftercare? Sorry, like cuddling after— this is really weird, I’m sorry. 

“Anyway, that was maybe the first time we really disagreed about something and I probably should have spoken up but I was just not sure how to say it. And, well, Kathryn could probably tell you, but I would come home and just… cry about it. That sounds so dumb, sorry.” 

“It’s not dumb. You don’t have to apologize,” Amy says. Ethan sniffles, rubbing at his nose with his sleeve.

“I— Okay. That was another thing, I guess. She called me dumb and stupid a lot. I think I asked her not to but maybe she forgot. It’s… It’s not that important.” Amy hums and Ethan isn’t sure if it’s in agreement or just to remind him that she’s listening. He barrels on, “She didn’t listen to my safeword. Well, she did but she still wanted to keep going so we did and then I regretted it which I know wasn’t fair to her but I wasn’t angry. I really wasn’t but she— she was sure I was angry at her and it… it was a bad night.

“The day before Mark came over, she slapped me. It was during a scene so, I don’t know, maybe she thought it was fine? But I didn’t… I didn’t agree to that. And that time…” Ethan closes his eyes. “That time I was angry. I don’t want to be an angry person. I just left and I know I could have stayed to try and work it out, but I just didn’t want to.

“I tried to break up with her that morning and she— she didn’t take that well. She slapped me again. God, I’m such a fucking idiot. I just thought it would work out somehow but we— I don’t think we were good for each other. And she wouldn’t leave and she started coming towards me and I thought she was going to… I don’t know. But that’s when I pushed her 

“I didn’t mean for it to be a hard push, Amy. I swear I wasn’t trying to hurt her. I just wanted her to leave and she was yelling and I was yelling and I just… I ruined everything, didn’t I?” Ethan sobs out the last words. He presses a hand over his mouth to stop the noise. He doesn’t want Amy to think he’s looking for pity.

“You didn’t ruin it, Ethan. It… It sounds like… You didn’t ruin it,” she repeats instead. “Please just keep holding on, okay? I’m going to talk to Mark. I’ll… I’ll call you back or maybe he’ll call you or… We’re going to figure this out, okay?”

“Okay,” Ethan whispers.

“Okay. Talk soon.”

She hangs up.

Ethan buries his face in his knees, taking deep shaky breaths. He wants to think that the waiting gets easier but it never does.

-

Ethan texts Jessica at some point in the next few days. All the hours are starting to blur. He just wants some kind of closure.

Ethan:  _ I’m sorry about what happened _

Ethan:  _ I still think it would be best for us to not be together _

Ethan:  _ I’m sorry _

Jessica:  _ Don’t bother coming to pick up your stuff _

It’s not exactly the best outcome but it’s a defined end to their relationship. Ethan was worried she might still fight with him about it, try to convince him to get back together. He mourns the loss of the nice shirts he left at her place but the relief of not having to see her again overtakes that.

It was a childish, irrational fear but when he heard Jessica was at Mark and Amy’s, it felt like he was being replaced. He knows that really Jessica doesn’t have much in common with the other couple but she was there while he wasn’t, she was listened to and comforted while he spiraled by himself.

They both made mistakes and there’s nothing Ethan wants more than to leave this all behind. Even if he still misses her sometimes, he knows seeing her again wouldn’t be healthy for him.

-

Ethan thinks he sees her one time while he’s grocery shopping. He whips around to look again, heart stalling painfully in his chest. But it’s just another girl with long hair and white converse.

He’s still shaken by it though, even when he’s safe at home.

It’s not so much the physical pain that scared him. It’s the broken trust. He trusted her to take care of him, to love him, and she just… didn’t. 

He misses being loved more than he misses her.

But god, sometimes he still misses her.

-

An entire week passes before Ethan gets a text from Amy. 

Amy:  _ Come over on Friday? _

Amy:  _ Mark wants to talk _

Amy:  _ Just the two of you _

Ethan:  _ I’ll be there _

And Ethan recklessly lets himself hope again.

-

When Ethan knocks, it’s Mark who answers the door. For a moment, they just stare at each other. 

Ethan can’t read him at all. It’s been a long time since he’s pictured Mark’s face as anything but angry and hurt. He dreams about it sometimes, the consequences of his actions scrawled in the lines of Mark’s expression.

“Come in,” Mark intones, stepping aside.

Ethan walks in, a hand gripping at his own elbow. “Thanks.” 

He follows Mark into the living room.

“Mark—”

“Ethan—”

They both start at the same time. Neither of them has even sat down yet but Ethan doesn’t think he could. He feels like he’s going to burst with the anxiety coursing through him.

“I’m so sorry,” Ethan finishes first. “I’m so so sorry. About everything that happened.”

Mark leans back against a cabinet. “Apologies don’t help this kind of thing. Not if you don’t mean them.”

Ethan flinches at the bite in his voice.

“I do mean it. I am sorry.”

“Everyone says that. That’s what my ex used to say too but it didn’t stop her from putting me down over and over again. Do you understand what I mean?” Mark looks away, gaze fixing at some point on the ground. Ethan can’t help but feel like he’s already lost.

“I— I understand but—”

Mark cuts him off. “Amy told me what you two talked about.” 

Ethan doesn’t try to defend himself this time. He just watches Mark instead, the jump in his leg and the lack of eye contact. This is hard for both of them. 

“She wanted me to know what happened from your perspective. And… Ethan…” Mark sighs, brows coming together as he closes his eyes briefly. “I just want you to understand where I’m coming from. You— It— Seeing you like that, it scared me. I know I don’t say stuff like this often but it really…”

“If I could go back, I would,” Ethan whispers.

“Would you though?” Mark murmurs. He opens his eyes. His voice grows harder. “Would you? Would you go back and do it all differently? Would you still want to be with Jessica?”

“I mean, well,” Ethan falters. “I don’t… I guess I wouldn’t want to be with her again. I don’t want to be with her now.”

“So you wouldn’t go back,” Mark states.

Ethan’s nails curl into his palms. “I don’t know what you’re trying to ask me. I don’t know what you want me to say.”

Mark frowns, breaking eye contact again. He breathes, “I don’t know either.” Another moment passes in silence before Mark speaks up again. “We’ve talked about my ex before.” Ethan nods. “She would slap me and yell at me when she was unhappy too. She probably didn’t want to be with me either. But we couldn’t figure out how to leave each other.”

“I wasn’t unhappy though.” Ethan almost takes it back but he’s so tired of people telling him how he’s feeling. “I didn’t do it because I didn’t like her. I loved her, Mark. But you have to try and understand me too. Our relationship wasn’t like you and Amy, and you don’t know what it’s like to be abandoned again and again when you’re… you’re that vulnerable with someone else.

“She told me I was angry too. I think about it all the time, you know that? I think, maybe I’m an angry person who can’t control himself,” Ethan’s voice gets sharper but not louder. All the air is leaving his lungs at once. “But that’s not true. I wasn’t angry that night. She ignored my safeword and I was… It destroyed me. You don’t know what that was like. So don’t tell me I pushed her because I was unhappy. Don’t tell me how I feel. Please.” His voice drops off. His eyes are wet.

“There’s a word for that, you know.”

Ethan looks back up at Mark. “What?”

“There’s a word for that. People trying to convince you that you’re a different person than you really are.” Mark’s fingertips are white where he holds the cabinet but his tone is level. “Gaslighting. It’s a common tactic for abusers.”

Ethan shakes his head. “I— I wasn’t—”

“I was.” Ethan’s mouth snaps shut. Mark continues, “I was gaslit. I was abused. That’s why this scared me so much. It felt like it changed everything. I told you so much, Ethan. I gave so much of myself to you. And my ex, I gave her so much too only to have it be the worst relationship of my life. I thought maybe I was wrong about you and somehow I just never saw it until now. That finally, after all this time, this is where the cycle would start back up again and I… I couldn’t do it.

“But you can’t fake being a good person for five years.” Ethan jumps as Mark suddenly slides down the side of the cabinet, burying his hands in his face as he sits on the floor. “I was so busy being afraid you would hurt me that I wasn’t there to support you while you were going through the exact same thing I was. God, I’m sorry, Ethan.”

Ethan hesitantly gets down on the floor with Mark. He pulls his knees up to his chest. “Don’t be sorry. I… Our relationship wasn’t abusive. It just got out of control.”

Mark chokes out a watery laugh. “I said that too. Abuse isn’t always physical. It has to start somewhere.”

Ethan doesn’t know what to say to that. Eventually he becomes aware of Mark glancing at him. Ethan’s gaze flicks up from where he’s been scratching patterns into the wood slates.

“Can I hug you?” Mark asks. Ethan’s heart breaks. 

_ “Please.” _

Mark wraps him in the tightest hug he’s ever had. Ethan sobs into his shoulder, relief and anguish and pain all mixing together.

“I’m sorry I left you. I’m sorry I didn’t listen.” Mark’s words wash over him but Ethan focuses more on the way he doesn’t let go. “I’m going to help you figure this out, okay? We’re both going to get through this.”

Ethan just holds him tighter. Mark doesn’t let go.

-

Ethan wakes up staring at a different ceiling. For a second, he doesn’t know where he is. For a second, he thinks it’s Jessica’s ceiling.

Then he jerks to the side and sees Mark in a sleeping bag on the floor.

The air rushes back into his lungs. The panic in his mind slows. God, he almost forgot but he’s fine. More importantly, they’re fine. 

Ethan gets up first, stretching and popping his joints. His body aches but only because he fell asleep on the couch, not from tensing all night, not from raw stress fraying all his nerves. 

As Mark starts to rouse and gives Ethan a small smile, Ethan’s heart warms. Or maybe it does more than warm. 

It thaws. 

He didn’t even realize how much fierce cold anxiety he had been carrying between his ribs until suddenly he has someone to share warmth with. To share the burden.

For all Kathryn is to him, it’s hard for her to support him through something she doesn’t know firsthand. And Ethan would never want her to be like him, more malleable, more easily swayed, more erratic and more liked to be pushed over.

Desperately though, he wants someone to empathize with him, not just sympathize. 

Ethan’s still not sure how exactly he would define his relationship with Jessica. He has a hard envisioning it as Mark described it, as actually an abusive relationship, but he remembers Mark mentioned before how deeply he loved his own ex until things just couldn’t go on anymore. If that doesn’t sound like his relationship with Jessica, he’s not sure what does.

It's worth talking about more. It’s always worth it to talk with Mark.

That’s all that Ethan needs for now, needs for today.

He doesn’t need to heal yet. He doesn’t need to fix anything or change his habits.

He just needs to talk, to understand, and to grow with the support of his friends.

Mark’s smile says he’s not going anywhere.

And Ethan has all he needs.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> stay safe out there guys <3


End file.
